What I’m Up Against
I’m tired. Mentally tired. Not the physical tired when you work too hard. The kind of tired that when you go to lay down you still can’t rest because your mind is rolling one million items on a screen at once. Over tired if that’s even a thing.
Life has hit me hard lately. I received the news I didn’t want. It sent me into a spiral. I felt out of control and weaker than I had been in quite some time.
Have you been there? The air is sucked out of your lungs. You’re powering through with what little strength you have left. Some days you make it through and when you get home, you’re not sure how you went throughout your day. Everything you did was second nature, and you were set on autopilot.
It’s a battle for my life. Again. The enemy knows just when we are weak and just how to get us off course. And he will roll with it. He will stop at nothing to get us off course and pull us further from the truth. Further from the love of God and His plans for our lives.
I told my counselor during a recent session, “I don’t want to be at peace with it.”
There it was. I was honest. It was as if in a moment, I hit the nail with the hammer. I knew what was holding me back. I knew where I was stuck. I knew what I had to do.
It was part spiritual battle and part struggle with grief. I found myself grieving what I had always hoped and dreamed would be true for my life. To be a mother. I didn’t want to be at peace with the realization that this may not be God’s plan for my life, either right now or ever.
I was instantly scared that I had said what I said. As if I was going to be punished or ridiculed for having such thoughts. As if God was going to strike me down and put a huge “X” on my file, and I was going to be exiled and not loved because I had done something wrong.
My counselor reminded me of something I needed to hear. That God can handle it. That God can take our anger, our questions, and our aches. That I am still loved and cherished even despite the times I feel out of sorts, overwhelmed, and oh so tired.
I think it's a good reminder for all of us. There are going to be so many times in our lives that come out of nowhere. Moments that take us by surprise and leave us exhausted, needing more rest than we can seemingly get.
I’m learning through this less-than-ideal season that I find myself in, that I must be honest. Honest with God and those closest to me. I also have to be honest with myself. We all need encouragement and pick-me-ups from time to time. And even despite our seasons of questioning or doubting, God still loves us with every ounce of His being.
My God Can - Katy Nichole and Naomi Raine
May it encourage you today that God knows what you’re up against. He can handle your emotions and your thoughts. Bring it all to Him. Let Him help you work through it day by day and moment by moment. You will make it through.
Psalm 61, NLT
O God, listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!
For you have heard my vows, O God.
You have given me an inheritance reserved for those who fear your name.
Add many years to the life of the king!
May his years span the generations!
May he reign under God’s protection forever.
May your unfailing love and faithfulness watch over him.
Then I will sing praises to your name forever
as I fulfill my vows each day.
