In the Dark, But My Gaze Is Up

Psalm 62:5-8, ESV

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

The world seems dark. The sun doesn’t shine through the trees enough to light the way. An overwhelming sense of loneliness rocks your entire being.

Why am I back here?

Why am I fighting for my life again?

Why me?

I told my counselor I just didn’t understand. I’ve done so much work, so much healing, yet I’m once again dragging myself along. More exhausted than I ever remember. And no desire whatsoever to do anything. The smallest things are requiring more and more effort. I am so tired.

Depression is no joke. It's so dark. Those of you like me who know and understand the battle, know just how hard it is. You know how simple tasks become the hardest and life isn’t at all what you’d thought it was supposed to be.

Anxiety wreaks havoc. You worry about every single thing and more. Your mind is constantly running. So much so that your sleep at night is even interrupted. You wake up just knowing it wasn’t restful sleep. You can’t think logically because all of your thoughts feel discombobulated. You feel easily overstimulated and want out of any chaos that occurs.

Anxiety and depression zap your energy. I don’t know if it's the constant need to keep myself safe, acting like I’m fine all the time when I’m most definitely not. It's hard pretending. It's hard holding it all together when you feel like an absolute wreck. It's like you’re living a double life when you can barely handle one.

And don’t even get me started on medications and their side effects. You’re constantly weighing benefits and trusting your provider. Giving yourself grace to adjust while secretly wishing the meds would do their thing pronto and snap you out of this weird season. But once again, everything takes time. And time is our worst enemy when we’re fighting.

The darkness requires patience. A sense of grace for yourself that you weren’t even sure existed before, or for that matter, ever will. It's hard to love yourself when you feel like you’re letting everyone around you down. You just want to scream it out, but you don’t. Finding those who truly understand are few and far between. For life keeps going, doesn’t it? Again, time waits for no one.

Time spent in the dark changes you completely. It's almost like you have to learn how to walk again. Much like a baby first begins to crawl, one day they are taking steps on their own. First holding onto a piece of furniture or mom and dad’s strong hand. After that small child is no longer afraid, they realize the world is at their fingertips and they take off. Much like this small child has to build courage, the same is true for those of us who have spent time in dark seasons.

We can learn to walk again. We can learn to love this life we live. We can learn to be thankful people, even when life hands us murky waters.

I’m learning in the dark that my strength only comes from God. Without Him, I would be nothing. I would have no ability to see any good that could possibly come from what I see as an absolute mess. My relationship with Jesus makes it bearable, not fun. Because of Him, I have strength for another moment of showing up with glimpses of light getting brighter and brighter.

I know the darkness will end because I have the hope of Heaven. My earthly problems may not go away, but my gaze is up. It’s on God, whether I’m in the dark or not.

So, if you’re in a season of darkness right now, trust that brighter days are coming. Turn your gaze to Heaven and know that God has His hand on you and your circumstances right now. Trust that He knows what is best for you and He is working out all of the details for your good. The light is coming.

“The first step in healing is allowing my story to break my own heart.” Katherine Wolf