Are You Hard to Love?
Loving people who are hard to love.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this concept. From time to time, we all find ourselves in sticky situations. How do we focus on the positive? How do we show love even when we don’t want to? How do we not let it keep us down?
Boundaries.
I’ve done a lot of work throughout my counseling journey on boundaries. As an enneagram two with strong nine tendencies, I’ve always found myself resorting to being a peacemaker and peacekeeper. Keeping the peace and ensuring everyone was happy. At work, at home, in my friend circles, and more. Often neglecting how I felt in the midst of everything and everyone around me.
Our world tends to make us feel small and selfish when we spend time taking care of ourselves. Many of us, if we are honest, can say we don’t do the best in the “self-care” arena. However, as I’m learning, self-care and boundaries are Biblical in nature. Intended by God to keep us safe.
I love the story in the Old Testament of Nehemiah rebuilding the temple. Nehemiah was not a prophet or a priest, but rather a “layman” to King Artaxerxes. Nehemiah was working to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem. It’s one of the ways God speaks to us about boundaries.
Nehemiah 6:1-15 NIV
When word came to Sanballat, Tobiah, Geshem the Arab and the rest of our enemies that I had rebuilt the wall and not a gap was left in it—though up to that time I had not set the doors in the gates—Sanballat and Geshem sent me this message: “Come, let us meet together in one of the villages on the plain of Ono.”
But they were scheming to harm me; so, I sent messengers to them with this reply: “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?” Four times they sent me the same message, and each time I gave them the same answer.
Then, the fifth time, Sanballat sent his aide to me with the same message, and in his hand was an unsealed letter in which was written:
“It is reported among the nations—and Geshem says it is true—that you and the Jews are plotting to revolt, and therefore you are building the wall. Moreover, according to these reports you are about to become their king and have even appointed prophets to make this proclamation about you in Jerusalem: ‘There is a king in Judah!’ Now this report will get back to the king; so come, let us meet together.”
I sent him this reply: “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.”
They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.”
But I prayed, “Now strengthen my hands.”
One day I went to the house of Shemaiah son of Delaiah, the son of Mehetabel, who was shut in at his home. He said, “Let us meet in the house of God, inside the temple, and let us close the temple doors, because men are coming to kill you—by night they are coming to kill you.”
But I said, “Should a man like me run away? Or should someone like me go into the temple to save his life? I will not go!” I realized that God had not sent him, but that he had prophesied against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him. He had been hired to intimidate me so that I would commit a sin by doing this, and then they would give me a bad name to discredit me.
Remember Tobiah and Sanballat, my God, because of what they have done; remember also the prophet Noadiah and how she and the rest of the prophets have been trying to intimidate me. So the wall was completed on the twenty-fifth of Elul, in fifty-two days.
Two men, Sanballet and Geshem (I did not pick these names, but God saw fit to include them.), desperately tried to get under Nehemiah’s skin. We see in this passage that they asked Nehemiah four different times to do what they wanted. They tried to make him feel bad and get under his skin (In the psychological realm, we call this manipulation and gaslighting.). Rumors were being spread and Nehemiah was caught in the middle.
Counselor Jim Cress explains boundaries this way:
“Go vertical with God and don’t let their problem become your problem particularly.”
There are people we will encounter in life, that will not have our best interests in mind. We may all encounter challenges in relationships at some point or another. Our homes, friend groups, workplaces, and churches. We have relationships in multiple arenas. They are not going to be one hundred percent perfect.
Boundaries are not bad. They are about keeping you safe and about loving the other person well. When we live with healthy boundaries, we are healthy in return. The saying goes, hurt people, hurt people. When we live knowing our limits and guarding our hearts, we can provide the love and nurturing to others that they need and deserve. We cannot be all things to all people, therefore God created boundaries.
We were not intended to live in chaos. When sin entered into the world at creation, it caused chaos for our days. Nehemiah stood his ground. He knew the people were trying to intimidate him and spread false claims. Instead of giving in to their chaos, he stood firm and stayed focused on the task at hand.
It’s not going to always be easy to stand firm in times of trial or in times in which we disagree with others or are mistreated. As Christ's followers, we are called to a higher standard of living with a godly attitude, in all situations. How are you loving others this week? Let’s encourage each other to stand firm in the arenas God has led us to. If there are situations where we need to extend healthy boundaries, may we be ever so brave to do so. Because it matters for you and for them.
